How to Date a Lawyer - A Response

Posted by wlansden | Filed under ,

By James Bowden

Avvo.com, in an apparent attempt to assist users in finding the right lawyer for any and every purpose, has published a list of 10 suggestions on how to date a lawyer. While it is clearly tongue-in-cheek, per Avvo’s suggestion number three I have chosen to take the list literally and will respond accordingly.  Obviously, I am completely serious and by no means intend the following to be interpreted as being sarcastic, sardonic, or (heaven forbid) “pithy.”

  1. “Fish where the fish are” - First off, if you want to meet a successful lawyer, you might want to try a rich location over a lawyer-rich location.  Contrary to popular belief, not all lawyers are rich (unless by “rich” you mean “rich in debt”).  As for the provided ranking, I think we can all agree that Guam beats D.C., New York, and Arkansas despite its lack of (practicing) attorneys resulting directly from its location on a beach in the Pacific Ocean.
  2. “Go in for the kill” - Please do not kill lawyers.  Also, frequently bar association events are in fact held in … bars.
  3. “Beware the lawyer personality” - Ouch.  “The same qualities that persuade juries and win cases can also work like acid on marital relations.”  That one hurts.  It’s a good thing for my marriage that I’m a transactional attorney.
  4. “Only repeat things you hear from credible people” - While I don’t think that filing briefs with your prospective lawyer beau or belle is a dating best practice (“The Life of Pi is an excellent book. Oprah, 132 N.B.C. 882 (2006)”), are you really in the habit of passing along information from dubious sources as objectively factual?  If so, stop.
  5. “Use Latin whenever possible” - You have a poodle AND you named it Per Stirpes?  Gross.
  6. "Make love notes long and confusing” - This one gets my hackles up.  No, I don’t like writing to be deliberately baroque.  Quite the contrary - first and foremost I am a technical writer in my role as an attorney, and I deal with complex and difficult subject matter (law).  Nothing bothers me more than wasted words.  My advice re: writing love notes to a lawyer would be “Short (max 0.1) and sweet.”
  7. “Don’t be surprised when your lawyer sweetheart nitpicks everything” - Finally, a statement I can agree with.  But I must point out that I do not nitpick because I am a lawyer; I nitpick because I am slightly obsessive-compulsive.  Oh, and I’m a bit of a jerk, too (see Number Three, above).
  8. "Always cite sources” - Yes, lying will in fact win a lawyer’s heart.  Go with that.  Citing an imagined source will never result in mockery or discipline (see item L).
  9. "Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence - They are on a real winning streak here, aren't they?  Yes, treating wait staff and children with scorn is sure to melt your law-trained mate's heart every time.  But you might want to make sure he or she didn't attend Michigan, Chicago, Berkeley, Penn, or any of the many other top-ranked law schools that happen to be a part of a public university before you get too down on the American education system.
  10. “Remember, it can all be very worth it” - Cute.  I didn’t know that dating a lawyer was comparable to house-breaking a Doberman Pinscher.

I think Avvo’s article can be summed up: “lawyers are like grapes: beat ‘em up, crush ‘em into goo, and lock them in a dark place for a few years and you might end up with something really nice.”  Clearly Avvo doesn’t work much with recent law school graduates, or they’d have a keener sense of the debt loads that many young and single attorneys labor under.  Overall, I give their Ten Tips a split decision: one thumb up for entertaining, one thumb down for missing the mark by a New York mile.

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